If you know yourself,
~ Leowe
you will also know me.
This knowing is Love.
It was December 11, 2018. After unlocking the apartment door, a breakup letter was seen on the table with an engagement ring at its side. No longer was there any escape from loneliness since the very last thing that was of utmost importance had been lost.
Instantly, the suffering, along with an immeasurable sadness it caused, became unbearable for the little heart and it begged eagerly to be allowed to die.
At that very moment, something happened that can barely be expressed in words. The whole pattern that only appeared to be “me” was recognised in the light of Consciousness, and in this clarity, there was no resistance, burning the “me” without leaving a single trace. It was an unfathomable salvation, so inconceivable and yet irrefutable that it elicited a hearty laugh. Many months passed before what had happened could be truly understood. The ever-present Silence that accompanied this realisation has remained ever since as a vivid Presence – as all that I am.
Childhood, besides brief periods of happiness, was brimming with episodes of intense suffering. As years passed, the identified mind suffered intensely from its own projections of an unfulfilled need for security and warmth from family, the feeling of being treated unjustly, seeing the unfair treatment of fellow human beings, and the end of relationships. Only a short time before the deep realisation, an obsessive drive to escape from emptiness and suffering could be perceived gradually, but there was fear to allow space for this perception to be, which if allowed might have led to the recognition of this illusory game of separation. So the attention was redirected instead to losing oneself in all kinds of pleasures and compulsions. Occasionally, the episodes of suffering were stronger than the false respite the distractions brought and the suffering remained in consciousness for many days, weeks, and sometimes even months and was often accompanied by varying degrees of despair and helplessness.
In the moments when they did not immediately subside, the necessity of this suffering as a part of life was questioned. This questioning was probably the expression of a yearning search, albeit unconscious, for a deeper reality and liberation. However, the interpretations that were occasionally made over the decades were not accompanied by a deeper understanding or peace. Throughout the whole phase, until the very end, there was no access to a spiritual teacher or spiritual practice of any kind. The question of who am I to whom this suffering is happening – and thus self-inquiry – was not explored as thoughts were incessantly about what “I” believed I was. It was a continuous stream of thoughts, without a conscious gap. There was barely a noteworthy attempt to look for answers in the immediate environment and those that did occur remained on the surface.
So all that was left was a lack of understanding of why there was such immeasurable suffering and why it was obviously not possible for people in the immediate environment to understand it. However, during some moments, the restlessness and the accompanying suffering were grasped for a while longer, but that caused the drive to “fill up” this inner emptiness to only accelerate.
Until the very end, this desperate search for happiness became more agonising moment by moment, but suddenly, life was merciful as the suffering personal identity of the mind burned in the light of Presence, thus ending the search. At that moment, it was apparent that certain repetitive patterns in the last relationship – defensive reactions and the inability to look very deeply into fear – brought about misery and prevented joy. Though this was somewhat intuited even before this moment, it became clear that these patterns were still very active until the very end. This moment of seeing is hard to put into words as absolutely everything dissolved and only that which was not a concept remained. So irrevocably clear and yet beyond all understanding. Behind this search for happiness was obviously hidden the search for the true imperishable nature, the formless Self. On December 11, 2018, there was thus an awakening from the sleep of the unconscious concept, the “I”, and yet, there was ultimately no one who awoke. Little by little, the ideas and dreams that promised happiness in an illusory future burst. The death blow to the ego, which obscured timeless Awareness, was the end of the partnership, which was the last supposed anchor to fill the inner longing for love and peace. Before that, the hope for lasting happiness through a promising career as a doctor was already crumbling due to certain events at the workplace and this led to an inner divination that this was not the solution to the inner void and the neediness that accompanied it.
Although childhood was already accompanied by episodic experiences of immense suffering and despair in the role of a family member, it was only in these “last months” that the hope of experiencing boundless love was buried by various events. Surprisingly, at the moment of the strongest need to be allowed to die, the yearning to love unconditionally was expressed and exactly then, something intangible was perceived from within. It was like a whisper expressed in the deepest trust: “It’s all good, you may die”. It was accompanied by infinite gratitude and a knowing of love that was undivided from Consciousness itself. Since that moment, suddenly there was no one who had ever done anything, and yet, Consciousness was there. With this marvelous realisation, when the mind was completely still, there were no more questions. In this freedom, neither fear nor any expectation, guilt, suffering, or the remotest separation was present. This Self-being, which at that moment was not yet understood mentally, was an incomprehensible liberation, and since it was so astonishing how this could be overlooked at all, there was hearty laughter for some time. This freedom was discovered by an infinite Silence that has remained ever since as a vibrant Presence, as all that I am.
It was something that was obviously always there but was only discovered at that moment. In the first weeks, some memories and encounters still sporadically arose that made the pain flare up once again. Like a spinning wheel that continues to turn until the momentum of the spin remains. In these intervals, this everlasting background Peace, which allowed these perceptions to come and go without attachment, amplified. Along with this Peace, there was a continuous understanding that everything was happening exactly as it was supposed to happen. Just as every single leaf and snowflake fall on Earth exactly where they are intended to fall.
That one moment of unbearable suffering should open the heart to the influx of grace, even to drown in that grace, was not conceivable. A timeless and irrevocable insight was revealed, accompanied by an incomprehensible redemption, that there never really was anyone who had done anything. Immediately, it became clear that the idea of a sufferer is not real but merely a mirage of the mind. Although this insight was undeniable, it was not until a good year later that it was actually possible to understand what had happened at that moment. Suffering was the only teacher – a sacred gem – for the spiritual awakening of Consciousness.
Since then, life has transformed into an indescribable liveliness, so that every moment is giving rise to a never-ending inner awe. Often, plants or animals were observed for hours, which in the many years before that had not been noticed at all on all the paths walked and certainly not in this unfathomable beauty. This beauty and the joy that accompanied it seemed to be present mysteriously and yet pervaded all that was visible, and it was realised that this joy was actually revealed because of Being One with absolute Presence and sometimes made even a phenomenon perceived with the senses become utterly meaningless. At some point, it became obvious that this Awareness, and with it this subtle, all-surpassing Peace, seemed to be here to stay.
Primarily, through direct experience, a natural integration and deeper understanding of “I am” awareness gradually took place, which in the course was supported particularly by the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Mooji, and Osho. Out of pure joy, attention was also dedicated to the teachings of known masters from India, like Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj, but also to the teachings of Jesus, Buddha, Rumi, Laotse, and Socrates. When reading the writings or listening to the words, an absolute familiarity was immediately felt and it was obvious that they originated from the same timeless Source. The life being lived as pure Presence is a ceaseless movement in infinite love. This Truth’s only interest since then has been the absolute liberation of humankind. It is possible with a genuine willingness of man to discard all concepts in order to recognise that which is without concepts and yet enables all concepts to be. To be one with Truth is the result of devotion, which brings about the collapse of all concepts through understanding. How wonderful it is when in an encounter, you can step out of obsessive thinking, liberated from all mind-based limitations, to meet in immeasurable Silence. All it takes is a moment here and now. That is all.
Every day, every moment,
the Heart serves an invitation
to meet oneself.
This meeting needs eyes
that are willing to look out of love,
that is, to be absolutely alone.
In rising from separation,
one is concurrently born into everything.Does this invitation enter your Heart?
~ Leowe